The Lowest Point of Your Life

You'll never truly know yourself until you've cut open a bottle of chocolate syrup to lick the remaining chocolate stuck to the sides.

My Flossing Situation

I don't floss nearly as often as I should, and I'm beginning to suspect it's because I'm just not wild enough for the type of floss I use.

(I do, however, believe that I am Cherry Berry enough to use this floss.)

I'm just an idea machine.

I had a great idea for a new reality TV show. Kidnap the entire cast of Lost and strand them on an actual deserted island.

Throw a couple dozen bears in the mix too, whatever, it's good TV.

Alarming Search Queries

Like many people who maintain a website, I have a way of checking how many visits the site receives, how people were referred to the site, etc.

This means that I can also see the search terms people use to find the site. They're often funny, confusing, offensive, or (usually) some combination thereof.

But I just looked at some of them a few minutes ago and was slightly alarmed by what I saw:

i ate soap, will i be okay

At first I chuckled to myself. Then I became a little worried. Will this person be okay? How much time does he or she have? Will they be directed to appropriate advice? Did the soap have a cheesecake scent or something?

They sound so concerned and trusting of the Internet to comfort them in this time of dire need. "Will i be okay"? I hope so. I hope so...

For anyone who reaches this webpage in the future with questions such as this, I give the following advice:

1. Don't eat soap.
2. Did you eat the soap even after I told you not to?
3. Why the hell would you do that?
4. Alright, calm down, just listen. Brush your teeth. No, no, not like that. Take the soap out of your mouth first. Okay, brush your teeth. Good.
5. Okay, I don't think that really helped. I was just kind of winging it and hoping I'd come up with further steps after that.
6. Uuuuummm...
7. If your mouth is foaming, call poison control. If not, you should probably still call poison control, but you're allowed to lie and say you weren't doing something retarded like eating soap. Don't say it like that, though. Tell them you think someone put anti-freeze in your Jell-O. Apparently that stuff's undetectable.
8. Oh no, now I'm going to get "how to use anti-freeze as poison" search hits.
9. Just DON'T eat soap again.
10. NO. Put it down.

I hope that helps. I need to go now, but I wish the best of luck to the poor sap who searched this:

hot pocket burns

I've been there.

Pondering the Monkeypuzzle

I've started something of a solo music project. I've entitled it "Pondering the Monkeypuzzle."

It's a project I've been putting off for a long time now, due in part to the fact that I have no decent form of recording equipment (simply a single microphone) and I just recently got the keyboard I've been talking about buying.

Nevertheless, it's off to a start.

I have two songs completely finished, and two more in a sort of "rough draft" stage.

One of the two unfinished songs has proven to be quite complicated to record, but I'll get it done sometime soon (hopefully). The other one hasn't been recorded yet because I'm just so lazy that I haven't yet bothered to move an amp where I need it to be. But anyway, these songs will be done soon, and more will come after them. A lot of songs have been stewing in my head, and until recently I had no medium with which to create them.

This is one song. It's entitled "Dawn."



The song I mentioned before (the one proving to be more complicated than I had expected) is particularly more well-thought-out than this one, and considerably longer. I was going to wait until I finished it before unveiling my little project here, but I got impatient. I never have time to work on it. (I'll never finish it unless I quit my job. Oh wait, I did that already. I have no excuse.)

Anyway, thanks for reading and/or listening. You can hear this music at my MySpace page. If you use Internet Explore, I noticed the page looks all wonky. If you don't like wonky things, you should use something good like Firefox instead of the retarded web browser you're using right now.

myspace.com/PonderingTheMonkeypuzzle

Album Collage

I made a collage of ten of my favorite albums (though not actually my top ten favorite albums) for an art class, and I was quite pleased with the results. It came out looking a little something like this:


Click on it to see the whole image. See if you can spot each album thrown in there (if you happen to have the same taste in music as me).

ALBUMS:
Red Hot Chili Peppers - Californication
The Beatles - Abbey Road
Thom Yorke - The Eraser
Menomena - Friend and Foe
Menomena - I Am the Fun Blame Monster
Elliott Smith - [self-titled]
Cloud Cult - Feel Good Ghosts (Tea-Partying Through Tornadoes)
Modest Mouse - We Were Dead Before the Ship Even Sank
Sufjan Stevens - Come On Feel the Illinoise
Ben Folds Five - The Unauthorized Biography of Reinhold Messner

EYES!

Just a few minutes ago I was washing my hands in front of a mirror. For some reason I had one of those profound moments in which something very ordinary seems universally baffling. I was looking at my eyes, and while doing so the thought dawned on me that I was staring at the things that I was using to stare. I was using my eyes to see my eyes. It's not that amazing, but for the moment it struck me with astonishment.

I was looking at what was looking at myself looking at what was looking at myself.

I then noticed that I could see my own reflection in my eyes, meaning I was looking into a reflection of myself looking at what was looking at a reflection of myself looking at a reflection of myself looking at what was looking at myself.

My brain then promptly exploded.

Incidentally, if you could call an ambulance that would be really helpful.